It always interests me that a particular phrase, or theme, grabs my attention and seems to appear in numerous ways around me over a period of time. Recently I’ve been hearing versions of: “people don’t change”, “a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots”, and a phrase I read recently (and as usual didn’t write it down at the time so have neglected to recall the source) that “people don’t change, they mature”.
So once again I’m drawn to comment on this theme for our continued exploration and consideration as coaches.
My first thought is that there’s usually a subtext when such phrases are uttered. When I hear one person’s observation that someone else “doesn’t change” I think of two things:
Firstly, that the comment carries an assumption that the other person “needs to change”. In other words, the comment is never made about someone who is fully meeting our expectations, who we like, who we respond positively to, or who is performing brilliantly. So there’s an inherent judgement within the observation being made. The judgement that the “other person” is in someway, broken, wrong, bad, neglectful, underperforming, etc and needs to improve or be better. The “change” expected or desired is always from something that’s wrong to something that needs to be better. In this respect I think it incumbent on the person uttering the phrase (or the coach who is working with that person) to reflect on where the statement comes from in their own judgement, bias, assumptions or expectations. THAT I think will be a more revealing conversation. The perfect coaching question here would be an invitation to the speaker to explore their comment and what’s behind it – both in their own view of the world and in their needs of the other person. How could/might they adapt their expectations, rather than expecting the other person to change?
Secondly, the comment is used as either a generalisation (which I suspect is a way of justifying or avoiding a really tough and honest conversation – if we believe people don’t change, then we don’t have to take action, we can blame them for lack of progress) or an observation of an individual. In both cases, the comment puts up a barrier. It closes the conversation down. It does not invite further enquiry or understanding. In this case, I think the coach could inspire a brilliant conversation and raising of awareness with a question that takes the speaker into deeper exploration of what they might learn by looking differently at the person/siutation. If the speaker were to explore this and realise that instead of uttering defensive generalisation, they could prepare for an honest and progressive conversation with the individual involved, then we’d really see something happening.
Yes – something WOULD happen. People don’t, won’t and can’t change (develop, shift, evolve, mature, learn) if they are not invited into a conversation about what needs to be different, what they need to be different and whether a current situation, job, role, environment could work better for them.
I think this is the job of leaders of the future. To really ask questions, to really listen to people and, through authentic conversation, to gain greater shared understanding of what people are really experiencing around them. To uncover true needs that would facilitate people responding to a more positive and purposeful environment, goal, dream or vision.
People don’t, won’t, can’t change if we keep them in the same situations, the same old circumstances, with the same old rules that keep producing the same old results. So don’t expect the person to change. Don’t assume the person is the problem. Until you adapt the leadership environment to which they are responding.
Coaches: let’s inspire leaders to ask the right questions, to listen and to create authentic conversation with people.
Oooh – we’re stirring it again.
Good.
Love
Aileen
Aileen